Strangely enough...

...I just found an article which kind of related to what I was saying.

http://theresurgence.com/heart_confirmation_discerning_gods_call

Apart from it using sexist pronouns, it was a  really good article. 

Some quotes I found helpful:

People who are genuinely called often go through seasons of doubt and uncertainty. But over time, the sense of calling grows stronger, not weaker.

In a heart call, there is a deep inclination in the soul that says, I must do this or I might die. The called man cannot imagine going into another vocation: he thinks about ministry, dreams about ministry, and cannot shut up about ministry. There is an abiding, relentless desire for the work of ministry that the called man cannot forsake, shake off, or ignore.

There were some questions to ask yourself, and I figured that this was as good a place as any...

Is God's call in my life internally audible? Do I sense his voice bidding me to serve him vocationally?
I find it kinda hard to say for 100% sure and certain that God is calling me, but I think so. And there seems to be a lot of indicators in my life that seem to agree with me. Like how in the Alex Ryder books, his Uncle has prepared him to be a spy, even when he was a little kid.  But I suppose that's more head stuff than heart stuff. I think for about 8 years now I have felt God wanting me to work in church ministry, so I guess so.

Do I strongly desire pastoral ministry? Is the thought of doing something else with my life unimaginable?
I really do. I know my last post I said that a lot of things suck about ministry, but on the whole, I really love it. I want to be able to tell people about Jesus, all the time. I don't want it to be something I just fit in around my career.
I can imagine doing other things with my life, but they all sounds terrible in comparison. Even my chaplaincy job is getting hard to do, because I want to be spending all of my time spreading the gospel, so while administering emotional first aid is alright, I just can't put my whole heart into it. I can't think of anything I could do that would be worthwhile.

Do I want to go into ministry in order to make a name for myself, to prove that I am somebody, or to atone for past failures? Am I testing my motives for ministry and asking God to refine my desires and thoughts?
Make a name for myself, I don't think so. I mean I do like being the centre of attention, but that's a different kettle of fish. I don't really believe in atoning for failures, and I don't feel like that much of a failure anyway lol. I do try and test my motives, and I think they are OK. All I want is to do what God wants, and to tell people about Jesus. But this is a good thing to be aware of I guess. pride can be pretty bad.


Do I love people? Do I want to help people? Is my desire to go into ministry mainly about me, or mainly about helping other people by pointing them towards Christ?
I'm an extrovert, of course I love people :P. it's kinda hard, because helping people often makes you feel good yourself, so it's very difficult to know if you are being selfish or not about helping them in the first place. But I'm willing to  help them without any resulting good feelings, so I spose i'm not that selfish.

How?

How can I make decisions about the future when I am barely able to cope with living the present?
I think I have decided what I am doing, but I don't really know that it's best.
I really do think that God is calling me to be a minister, but I don't know that it is soon. If I studied full time and stuff, I'd only be 25 or something when I finished. I don't think I'd have enough life experience to just go into a church. My dad's a minister, I know how crap churches can be. That and I work in a church, and just my teeny tiny amount of ministry feels like hell sometimes.
I know the kinds of issues that ministers face, and 5 years of study won't prepare me for that. So I think I want to stay working here at Malvern for quite a while. I'll study at the same time of course.
And I need way more skills. Like public speaking, I suck at that at the moment. And resilience.
And I need to get my mental health to a better place. I can barely handle life at the moment, let alone concentrate on the Period of Discernment.
Maybe what I'm saying is that I can't do the POD right now. I dunno. Some days just forcing myself to get up and brush my teeth is hard enough, organising mentors, and study and stuff is just really impossible. Other days I'm OK.
I have a discernment retreat to go to soon, apparently I didn't need to go to it,. but I have already registered and paid, so I suppose I might as well. I don't have very high expectations for it. But maybe it will help. Who knows.
Maybe all these things are actually God telling me to not be in ministry. I don't think I have any other options though. Maybe I'm just abnormal or something, but I don't have any other interest or desire in anything else. My Dad was a teacher, my minister was a carpenter. Everyone else I know was something before or as well as doing church based ministry. I'm not.
I wish I did have another interest. I wish I could just be normal, and go to uni, and get a degree, and then get a real job. Life wouldn't be so annoying if I had a plan. Also I'd be able to look forward to one day being financially OK, that would be nice.
But no, I am called to ministry. Just I have no specific directions as to exactly what, or how, or when.
And I'd like to know how all this will fit into my life in general. because, yes, I am still a 20 year old girl. I want to know when I will get married, and who to, and how that will fit in with ministry. Or if I'll get married. Coz maybe God wants me to be single so that I can be more effective or whatever. Which is cool with me, I guess. Well actually no, that sucks, because all I really want for myself is to have a family, but I could deal with it I guess. I just want to know.
Well this was a pointless blog. Just made me ask more questions I didn't know I had. Oh, maybe that is a good thing. I dunno.
I guess I just have to trust God.