I'm not saying that it's any harder being a woman looking into full time ministry than it would be to be a man.
In fact, in some ways, I'm glad I'm not a man. If I was a young guy in the same position, I'd be freaking out. There's no way you could ever support a wife, let alone kids on my income. And it's not like being a student, with some kind of hope of things improving. I'm dedicated to this job for 10 years, God willing.
So yeah, that's one reason it's easier for me as a woman. I don't expect to ever be the breadwinner in a family, (terribly un-feminist I know), so it's less of an issue for me.
But there are other gender specific problems, and I don't have anyone to talk to about them. I don't really know any female ministers.
Like how does being a minister fit into my desire to have children? Do I have to give that up?
How do I minister properly to the boys in my youth group. They need male figures to look up to. And how will that go in the future, when I have a congregation with men in it?
Why on earth am I trying to do this so young? Why didn't I just do teaching or something for a while, so that I could get marriage and everything out of the way, and maybe be a bit set up financially? It's so scary that any plans I make for the next 10 years could be completely changed by me falling in love. No wonder the catholics think that celibacy is a good idea. It'd be one less thing to worry about.
Besides I'm not old enough. How can I help kids when I have no life experience? I only went to high school for a year for goodness sakes.
Is it even right for women to be ministers? I've looked into this so much, and I am sure it is, and I am sure God is calling me in that direction, at least for now, but there's always this little doubt that maybe I'm wrong. What if I'm completely going against what God wants?
I don't want to be the leader over anything. Being the leader over just youth ministry is scary enough. I want someone to be looking after me. I know God is, duh. It's just hard.
And all this and more ha been going over and over in my mind, and I don't know the answers. :(
They'll come i suppose.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Strangely enough...
...I just found an article which kind of related to what I was saying.
http://theresurgence.com/heart_confirmation_discerning_gods_call
Apart from it using sexist pronouns, it was a really good article.
Some quotes I found helpful:
Is God's call in my life internally audible? Do I sense his voice bidding me to serve him vocationally?
I find it kinda hard to say for 100% sure and certain that God is calling me, but I think so. And there seems to be a lot of indicators in my life that seem to agree with me. Like how in the Alex Ryder books, his Uncle has prepared him to be a spy, even when he was a little kid. But I suppose that's more head stuff than heart stuff. I think for about 8 years now I have felt God wanting me to work in church ministry, so I guess so.
Do I strongly desire pastoral ministry? Is the thought of doing something else with my life unimaginable?
I really do. I know my last post I said that a lot of things suck about ministry, but on the whole, I really love it. I want to be able to tell people about Jesus, all the time. I don't want it to be something I just fit in around my career.
I can imagine doing other things with my life, but they all sounds terrible in comparison. Even my chaplaincy job is getting hard to do, because I want to be spending all of my time spreading the gospel, so while administering emotional first aid is alright, I just can't put my whole heart into it. I can't think of anything I could do that would be worthwhile.
Do I want to go into ministry in order to make a name for myself, to prove that I am somebody, or to atone for past failures? Am I testing my motives for ministry and asking God to refine my desires and thoughts?
Make a name for myself, I don't think so. I mean I do like being the centre of attention, but that's a different kettle of fish. I don't really believe in atoning for failures, and I don't feel like that much of a failure anyway lol. I do try and test my motives, and I think they are OK. All I want is to do what God wants, and to tell people about Jesus. But this is a good thing to be aware of I guess. pride can be pretty bad.
Do I love people? Do I want to help people? Is my desire to go into ministry mainly about me, or mainly about helping other people by pointing them towards Christ?
I'm an extrovert, of course I love people :P. it's kinda hard, because helping people often makes you feel good yourself, so it's very difficult to know if you are being selfish or not about helping them in the first place. But I'm willing to help them without any resulting good feelings, so I spose i'm not that selfish.
http://theresurgence.com/heart_confirmation_discerning_gods_call
Apart from it using sexist pronouns, it was a really good article.
Some quotes I found helpful:
People who are genuinely called often go through seasons of doubt and uncertainty. But over time, the sense of calling grows stronger, not weaker.
In a heart call, there is a deep inclination in the soul that says, I must do this or I might die. The called man cannot imagine going into another vocation: he thinks about ministry, dreams about ministry, and cannot shut up about ministry. There is an abiding, relentless desire for the work of ministry that the called man cannot forsake, shake off, or ignore.There were some questions to ask yourself, and I figured that this was as good a place as any...
Is God's call in my life internally audible? Do I sense his voice bidding me to serve him vocationally?
I find it kinda hard to say for 100% sure and certain that God is calling me, but I think so. And there seems to be a lot of indicators in my life that seem to agree with me. Like how in the Alex Ryder books, his Uncle has prepared him to be a spy, even when he was a little kid. But I suppose that's more head stuff than heart stuff. I think for about 8 years now I have felt God wanting me to work in church ministry, so I guess so.
Do I strongly desire pastoral ministry? Is the thought of doing something else with my life unimaginable?
I really do. I know my last post I said that a lot of things suck about ministry, but on the whole, I really love it. I want to be able to tell people about Jesus, all the time. I don't want it to be something I just fit in around my career.
I can imagine doing other things with my life, but they all sounds terrible in comparison. Even my chaplaincy job is getting hard to do, because I want to be spending all of my time spreading the gospel, so while administering emotional first aid is alright, I just can't put my whole heart into it. I can't think of anything I could do that would be worthwhile.
Do I want to go into ministry in order to make a name for myself, to prove that I am somebody, or to atone for past failures? Am I testing my motives for ministry and asking God to refine my desires and thoughts?
Make a name for myself, I don't think so. I mean I do like being the centre of attention, but that's a different kettle of fish. I don't really believe in atoning for failures, and I don't feel like that much of a failure anyway lol. I do try and test my motives, and I think they are OK. All I want is to do what God wants, and to tell people about Jesus. But this is a good thing to be aware of I guess. pride can be pretty bad.
Do I love people? Do I want to help people? Is my desire to go into ministry mainly about me, or mainly about helping other people by pointing them towards Christ?
I'm an extrovert, of course I love people :P. it's kinda hard, because helping people often makes you feel good yourself, so it's very difficult to know if you are being selfish or not about helping them in the first place. But I'm willing to help them without any resulting good feelings, so I spose i'm not that selfish.
How?
How can I make decisions about the future when I am barely able to cope with living the present?
I think I have decided what I am doing, but I don't really know that it's best.
I really do think that God is calling me to be a minister, but I don't know that it is soon. If I studied full time and stuff, I'd only be 25 or something when I finished. I don't think I'd have enough life experience to just go into a church. My dad's a minister, I know how crap churches can be. That and I work in a church, and just my teeny tiny amount of ministry feels like hell sometimes.
I know the kinds of issues that ministers face, and 5 years of study won't prepare me for that. So I think I want to stay working here at Malvern for quite a while. I'll study at the same time of course.
And I need way more skills. Like public speaking, I suck at that at the moment. And resilience.
And I need to get my mental health to a better place. I can barely handle life at the moment, let alone concentrate on the Period of Discernment.
Maybe what I'm saying is that I can't do the POD right now. I dunno. Some days just forcing myself to get up and brush my teeth is hard enough, organising mentors, and study and stuff is just really impossible. Other days I'm OK.
I have a discernment retreat to go to soon, apparently I didn't need to go to it,. but I have already registered and paid, so I suppose I might as well. I don't have very high expectations for it. But maybe it will help. Who knows.
Maybe all these things are actually God telling me to not be in ministry. I don't think I have any other options though. Maybe I'm just abnormal or something, but I don't have any other interest or desire in anything else. My Dad was a teacher, my minister was a carpenter. Everyone else I know was something before or as well as doing church based ministry. I'm not.
I wish I did have another interest. I wish I could just be normal, and go to uni, and get a degree, and then get a real job. Life wouldn't be so annoying if I had a plan. Also I'd be able to look forward to one day being financially OK, that would be nice.
But no, I am called to ministry. Just I have no specific directions as to exactly what, or how, or when.
And I'd like to know how all this will fit into my life in general. because, yes, I am still a 20 year old girl. I want to know when I will get married, and who to, and how that will fit in with ministry. Or if I'll get married. Coz maybe God wants me to be single so that I can be more effective or whatever. Which is cool with me, I guess. Well actually no, that sucks, because all I really want for myself is to have a family, but I could deal with it I guess. I just want to know.
Well this was a pointless blog. Just made me ask more questions I didn't know I had. Oh, maybe that is a good thing. I dunno.
I guess I just have to trust God.
I think I have decided what I am doing, but I don't really know that it's best.
I really do think that God is calling me to be a minister, but I don't know that it is soon. If I studied full time and stuff, I'd only be 25 or something when I finished. I don't think I'd have enough life experience to just go into a church. My dad's a minister, I know how crap churches can be. That and I work in a church, and just my teeny tiny amount of ministry feels like hell sometimes.
I know the kinds of issues that ministers face, and 5 years of study won't prepare me for that. So I think I want to stay working here at Malvern for quite a while. I'll study at the same time of course.
And I need way more skills. Like public speaking, I suck at that at the moment. And resilience.
And I need to get my mental health to a better place. I can barely handle life at the moment, let alone concentrate on the Period of Discernment.
Maybe what I'm saying is that I can't do the POD right now. I dunno. Some days just forcing myself to get up and brush my teeth is hard enough, organising mentors, and study and stuff is just really impossible. Other days I'm OK.
I have a discernment retreat to go to soon, apparently I didn't need to go to it,. but I have already registered and paid, so I suppose I might as well. I don't have very high expectations for it. But maybe it will help. Who knows.
Maybe all these things are actually God telling me to not be in ministry. I don't think I have any other options though. Maybe I'm just abnormal or something, but I don't have any other interest or desire in anything else. My Dad was a teacher, my minister was a carpenter. Everyone else I know was something before or as well as doing church based ministry. I'm not.
I wish I did have another interest. I wish I could just be normal, and go to uni, and get a degree, and then get a real job. Life wouldn't be so annoying if I had a plan. Also I'd be able to look forward to one day being financially OK, that would be nice.
But no, I am called to ministry. Just I have no specific directions as to exactly what, or how, or when.
And I'd like to know how all this will fit into my life in general. because, yes, I am still a 20 year old girl. I want to know when I will get married, and who to, and how that will fit in with ministry. Or if I'll get married. Coz maybe God wants me to be single so that I can be more effective or whatever. Which is cool with me, I guess. Well actually no, that sucks, because all I really want for myself is to have a family, but I could deal with it I guess. I just want to know.
Well this was a pointless blog. Just made me ask more questions I didn't know I had. Oh, maybe that is a good thing. I dunno.
I guess I just have to trust God.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Jonah
When I signed up to do the POD, I had to call the lady who was running it.
She had known me as a kid, so we had a nice little chat. She asked me why I was wanting to do the POD. I said that I felt God was calling me to be a minister, maybe, and that I thought I should check it out. "After all," I joked, "The last person who ignored God's call got eaten by a whale!"
She replied saying that it is not always a good idea to follow God's call. Apparently, we need to look at what we wan, and take that into consideration as well.
I am fairly sure I disagree with her point of view. I mean, we're talking about God here. The God who created the world, and loves me, Rosalie, enough to die for me. I'm hardly going to ignore his advice.
It's not that I hate myself, or have no concern for my own desires. I just trust that if I do what God wants, the rest will work out. And maybe that means I won't get married, and spend the rest of my life alternating kid's ministry with childbirth. Maybe God has better plans for me than I can imagine right now. Or maybe, God's plans and mine can interweave.
All I know is that God is wiser, and knows the future, and I want to trust him with that.
"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give hope and a future'" - Jeremiah 29:11
She had known me as a kid, so we had a nice little chat. She asked me why I was wanting to do the POD. I said that I felt God was calling me to be a minister, maybe, and that I thought I should check it out. "After all," I joked, "The last person who ignored God's call got eaten by a whale!"
She replied saying that it is not always a good idea to follow God's call. Apparently, we need to look at what we wan, and take that into consideration as well.
I am fairly sure I disagree with her point of view. I mean, we're talking about God here. The God who created the world, and loves me, Rosalie, enough to die for me. I'm hardly going to ignore his advice.
It's not that I hate myself, or have no concern for my own desires. I just trust that if I do what God wants, the rest will work out. And maybe that means I won't get married, and spend the rest of my life alternating kid's ministry with childbirth. Maybe God has better plans for me than I can imagine right now. Or maybe, God's plans and mine can interweave.
All I know is that God is wiser, and knows the future, and I want to trust him with that.
"'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give hope and a future'" - Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
An Introduction
My name is Rosalie. I love Jesus. He loves me. I want to spend every day sharing his love with his people.
But I don't know exactly how.
That's what the POD is about really, I guess. Should I become an ordained minister, or does God have other, better plans? Or maybe I just need to wait?
Some people say I am too young, others say my youth is an advantage.
I've just turned 20. I know I'm too young to be taken seriously. I know that the sensible, logical thing to do would be to do something else for 5 or 10 years. To get some life experience. But every time I try, road blocks come up, or I lose interest in it, or whatever.
I've known for so long that church ministry is where I am meant to be. I can't see myself anywhere else.
I don't know how that will work out though. Maybe I should just be volunteering in the church while working elsewhere. Maybe I should stay a youth pastor for a while longer before starting theological college. Maybe I should be exploring different denominations.
These are questions I hope to gain some clarity on this year.
This blog is for documenting my thoughts, and also to record my study adventures, and other things I do as a part of the POD. Some blogs may be private, but mostly I am happy for people to read and comment if they desire. One of the ways God speaks to us is through other people after all!
But I don't know exactly how.
That's what the POD is about really, I guess. Should I become an ordained minister, or does God have other, better plans? Or maybe I just need to wait?
Some people say I am too young, others say my youth is an advantage.
I've just turned 20. I know I'm too young to be taken seriously. I know that the sensible, logical thing to do would be to do something else for 5 or 10 years. To get some life experience. But every time I try, road blocks come up, or I lose interest in it, or whatever.
I've known for so long that church ministry is where I am meant to be. I can't see myself anywhere else.
I don't know how that will work out though. Maybe I should just be volunteering in the church while working elsewhere. Maybe I should stay a youth pastor for a while longer before starting theological college. Maybe I should be exploring different denominations.
These are questions I hope to gain some clarity on this year.
This blog is for documenting my thoughts, and also to record my study adventures, and other things I do as a part of the POD. Some blogs may be private, but mostly I am happy for people to read and comment if they desire. One of the ways God speaks to us is through other people after all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
